


In the Time We Have Left We'll Raise Eyes to the Sky

by SoldierOfMyShadowyMind



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Bones is a big softie, Confessions, Cuddling & Snuggling, Engagement, Established Relationship, Fluff, Jim loves that, Love, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Post-Star Trek Beyond, Protective Bones, Romance, Sleepy Cuddles, Space Husbands, This is so sappy, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, slightly insecure Jim, some light banter, thoughtful Bones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 17:26:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9248021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoldierOfMyShadowyMind/pseuds/SoldierOfMyShadowyMind
Summary: When Leonard finally,finallywraps his arms around Jim and pulls him close he realises with slight shock just how much he’s been waiting for this moment and he lets out a deep sigh that tangles in Jim’s blond mess of hair. He should know this by now, really. Still, Leonard hadn’t thought that merely holding Jim and feeling his breath on the skin on the side of his neck would be enough to drain all the tension from his shoulders a long working day had piled up. Just to feel Jim in his arms is enough to calm him and make the world right again. He just needed to be reminded that his significant other is safe, out of danger, and well and truly, irrevocablyhis.An incident makes Leonard see all the good things he has and how much he has to lose if he doesn’t protect what he desperately wants to keep.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Look at that. I aimed for 3k and got 7. But who’s complaining. Anyway, I’m finally back to writing after an awfully stressful year and this is my first fic in this wonderful fandom and I very much hope you like it! Feedback is highly appreciated!
> 
> Lyrics at the beginning from a-ha – Objects In The Mirror. The title is also borrowed from a-ha, from their song Dragonfly.
> 
> And a fair warning: This has gotten so much sappier than I intended.

_You cannot make a fleeting moment promise it will last._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Leonard? Leonard? Doctor McCoy!”

Leonard snaps his head up so abruptly that something cracks disconcertingly and he pulls a grimace, reaching up and soothingly rubbing his hand over his neck. A poorly concealed, longing glance at the chronometer tells him that it’s almost 0400 hours shiptime – needless to say his shift ended hours ago. Leonard slowly rakes a hand over his face, the tiredness undoubtedly etched into the lines on his face but he can’t bring himself to care how he looks right now even if Jim might kick up a mild fuss about how he’s a doctor, not a magician, and he can’t cure the need for sleep even if he keeps testing it on himself. Leonard quietly snorts to himself; they’re still having the same senseless arguments and he’s come to think they’re only keeping it up for the sake of tradition and amusement. Until one of them will point out that it’s a serious matter and the other sighs and they end up on their bed in their shared quarters, Jim’s head resting on Leonard’s chest, Leonard’s arms around his… _boyfriend_. He isn’t too fond of the term – it sounds too juvenile to his almost thirty-six-year-old ears – but all the others don’t quite describe what they’re having, he and Jim. They’ve never defined themselves as one thing or the other, they don’t need labels but to a certain degree labels mean stability and if Leonard’s sought one thing in his life it’s stability and if Jim needs one thing in his restless existence, it’s precisely that. The man is too adventurous and audacious for his own good.

The question has been plaguing Leonard for a couple of weeks now but he’s gotten nowhere so far in his ruminations. Not that he’s expecting to find an answer, many things involving Jim Kirk simply don’t have one, but it would put his mind at rest if he found a bit of the stability he’s been searching for. And he’s willing to give Jim as much of it as he needs because if Leonard can do something for him, he will and this especially is the least he can do for him. Be the constant that Jim needs in a rapidly changing and growing universe.

He allows himself to close his eyes for just a moment, imagining Jim’s head on his shoulder, the warm weight of his body pressed against his side, Jim’s hand in his own, their fingers entwined, a silent understanding that sometimes is so overwhelming even to him that he can’t quite grasp the extent to which his life depends on the idiot he calls his best friend and more. It frightens him, to speak honestly, to think about how much he actually needs Jim and so he doesn’t go down that road all too often, keeping the knowledge deep in his heart, not locked away but treasured, cherished, a constant reminder that he’s found what he didn’t realise he’s been looking for and when he shuts out the dark thoughts that inevitably and inexorably accompany this warm feeling and the warning that his own selfishness might kill him some day, it’s comforting, reassuring. Leonard’s not exactly the touchy-feely kind of guy but he does feel a little self-indulgent from time to time and he knows how much Jim loves it.

A noise drags him out of his thoughts and the smile that’s been creeping onto his lips fades away when he realises that he’s not having the privacy he prefers for mental trips down relationship-philosophy lane.

“Christine” he acknowledges the presence of his head nurse and, slightly embarrassed, wonders how long she’s been standing there.

“Are you all right?” she enquires with the same level of worry in her tone that she’s been using on him for the past few weeks. On second thought, it might just have increased a notch. Which is really not what Leonard needs right now. He’s scaring himself with his thoughts, he doesn’t need his staff to notice that.

“Just peachy” he gives back, a little harsher than intended and immediately amends, finally making eye-contact, “I’m fine, Christine. Honestly.” He holds his hands up for good measure, the perfect image of an innocent man.

He isn’t playing this role very convincingly it seems for she lifts an eyebrow, looking like she’s got half a mind to start an argument.

“Lack of sleep” Leonard drawls, and the yawn that slips out attached to the words isn’t even intended.

“Yes, I kinda noticed” she deadpans but her features quickly lose the slightly harder, knowing lines that don’t tolerate any protest and that, in Leonard’s unfortunate experience, are exclusively womanly.

Sometimes Leonard wonders why she’s the only one whose reprimands he tolerates, even fears, and actually heeds.

“His readings are almost back to normal” she informs him and Leonard feels his shoulders drop by what feels like a rather impressive amount of inches as he deflates.

“Good” he nods, “good.” At least something gone right today, then.

“He’s still got a temperature but the virus has been cleared out of his system completely and sleep will do the rest.”

Leonard feels himself nod again and he gets up from his chair, a little sluggishly for he’s feeling rather boneless. He can almost hear Jim’s voice in his head how he’s complaining about being Bones-less and he shakes his head at himself. He’s long since given up on pretending he hasn’t grown fond of the nickname. And he does laugh at Jim’s jokes, every once in a while. If they’re good. Which they are not, most of the time.

Oh, who’s he kidding, he does laugh. Privately.

Privately, he also enjoys all the different ways Jim says his name. _Bones_. He might as well make it his official middle name.

“He’s sleeping?” he asks in Christine’s general direction as he gropes around for his tricorder, his hand-eye coordination way off.

“Yes” she affirms. “I don’t expect him to wake up for another eight to ten hours but I’ll have the gamma shift staff keep an eye on him. You should go get some rest. You look terrible, Leonard, if you allow the comment.”

Leonard throws her a weak grin and brushes of her comment with a wave of the hand. “I know. And thank you” he adds. “The Securo’s disease is rare but deadly if not treated accurately and in time and you’ve done a good job today. All of you.”

Christine smiles and there’s gentle affection in her eyes. “We all care for him.”

“Yes, yes we do” Leonard agrees thoughtfully. It’s unsettling to see the kid’s body so still and calm when he’s usually buzzing with energy.

Just like Jim. In many ways, Pavel Chekov reminds Leonard of Jim and he can’t decide whether that’s a good or a bad thing. It is a cause for well-intentioned worry and Leonard has grown rather protective of their young navigator. It might be just because he does remind him of Jim and he feels the need to protect the kid from harm as much as he possibly can, wanting to have the chance to make it right and _be there_ , in a way he couldn’t be for a very young Jim Kirk. Chekov – _Pavel_ , he corrects himself – has seen too much hurt and sacrifice in his young life and while they all have their issues and almost none of them hasn’t got a dark secret hidden in their closet, Pavel shouldn’t have to get this far, shouldn’t have to experience this. He’s bright and young, a genius with a promising career ahead of him and Leonard will do everything in his power to keep it that way.

Just like he will go to every length to keep Jim safe and to make sure he feels loved and wanted. He might not be able to change Jim’s past but he’s there to shape his future and as long as Leonard’s got a say in this, he will be a part of Jim’s future just like Jim will be a part of his own. There might come the day when Leonard won’t be able to save him and he’s confronted himself enough with that thought that it doesn’t hurt as much anymore but it still stings to think about it but until then Leonard will be the selfish person that he is and keep Jim alive.

Because he needs him.

Because he loves him.

The revelation hits him like a rock when he, standing in the middle of his office in medbay, his movements suddenly frozen, realises just how much he needs Jim. And just what he wants them to be.

It’s new and it’s frightening but he wants this, he’s never been so sure of anything in his life and he surprises himself with it. Still, it has to wait until he can think this through, talk to Jim. He is still the kind of man that believes in the right moment for certain things.

Right now, he has to check on Pavel and then finally return to his quarters and collapse into bed next to a hopefully sleeping Jim. In reality, he knows that Jim will still be awake. Right from the start Jim’s been open with the fact that he doesn’t sleep well without Leonard and while sheer and utter exhaustion is the exception from the rule, Jim will stay up and wait for him all the other times. Leonard can’t help to find this rather sweet even if it’s not doing Jim’s health any good.

It’s not as if Leonard sleeps well without Jim’s body aligned with his own, his nose breathing in the scent of Jim’s hair, knowing that a steady heartbeat is ensuring that _alive_ remains a factum when it comes to Jim Kirk.

Out of the corner of his eyes he catches Christine giving him one of her looks again and he pinches the bridge of his nose, wordlessly walking past her, his body almost too tired to comply with this simple task.

Leonard bans any dismal thoughts from his mind and gathers up a PADD that’s lying next to the biobed Pavel’s sleeping in. The readings calm him, the young man’s body functions are all back to how they should be and he’s looking peaceful and free of pain.

Leonard flinches when he feels a sudden hand on his arm but it’s just Christine and she’s smiling at him with that quiet, warm, reassuring smile of hers that could possibly end wars.

Leonard chuckles at the thought that her temperament and resoluteness could probably start one.

“Go get some rest, Leonard” she says and the underlying authoritative tone doesn’t escape him although her voice is still gentle and low. “You’ve done all you can, now it’s time you give yourself some breathing space.” And she knows where to prod and push and what to get him with when she adds, “Jim’s waiting for you.”

Leonard chuckles lowly and bids her goodnight. She knows him too well.

Except for one thing.

Breathing space. As if that concept exists in a relationship with Jim Kirk.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Their quarters are dimly lit – a pleasant change from the harsh, white medbay lights – when Leonard enters, careful not to make any excessive noise, a part of him still hoping Jim might be asleep. The part of him that knows Jim better than he does himself wins the bet, though, when he finds Jim reading, his eyes half-closed and his glasses slid halfway down his nose. Leonard allows himself a moment to revel in the sheer adorableness this sight radiates and his heart leaps and flutters and he’s so goddamn _lucky_ that he of all people won the first prize.

Quietly, he pads over to the bed that, strictly speaking, is still a bit too small for two grown men but they prefer it that way, finding comfort in the proximity it gives them, a fact neither of them would ever admit to the outside world. Leonard stops next to the bed at Jim’s side and sits down on the edge of the bed, the dipping of the mattress the indication that has Jim finally lifting his head, realising only now that his boyfriend is finally home.

The wide smile that immediately takes a hold of Jim’s mouth warms Leonard’s heart.

“Bones” Jim whispers, voice rough from disuse but his eyes sparkle as brightly as they always do and Leonard’s hands can’t work fast enough as they gently take the old-fashioned, real-paper book out of Jim’s grasp and place it on the nightstand, already reaching out to retrieve Jim’s glasses and abandon them as well.

When he finally, _finally_ wraps his arms around Jim and pulls him close he realises with slight shock just how much he’s been waiting for this moment and he lets out a deep sigh that tangles in Jim’s blond mess of hair. He should know this by now, really. Still, Leonard hadn’t thought that merely holding Jim and feeling his breath on the skin on the side of his neck would be enough to drain all the tension from his shoulders a long working day had piled up. True, it’s been a close call today and maybe that and the fact that sometimes Pavel and Jim are a little too alike have taken their toll on Leonard and he realises he’s needed this more than anything. Just to feel Jim in his arms is enough to calm him and make the world right again. He just needed to be reminded that his significant other is safe, out of danger, and well and truly, irrevocably _his_.

He brings up a hand and gently strokes the back of Jim’s head, his fingers threading through his short hair.

“Hey” he breathes. “Hey, darlin’.” A mere minute ago he was intent of giving Jim a talk on how he has to watch out for himself a little more, especially concerning his rather alarming sleep pattern but the feeling of contentedness that rushes through his body like a wave and wraps itself around him like a warm blanket erases all thoughts he might have had towards an argument of any kind and he relaxes into the embrace and leans a little further into the touch of Jim’s hand at the small of his back.

Leonard notices how Jim’s grip isn’t the strongest, his physical strength and enormous willpower and determination lulled by the prospect of sleep and he relinquishes his hold on Jim a little, giving him space. Jim, on the other hand, seemingly hasn’t planned on letting him go anytime soon for he sleepily protests, more sounds than words coming out of his mouth as he leans into Leonard again, head resting half on his shoulder, half on his chest, his face nuzzling the side of Leonard’s neck. Leonard smiles softly and he knows he must look exactly how he’s feeling as he gathers Jim into his arms, soothingly rubbing his back in lazy circles.

Overwhelmingly, passionately, hopelessly in love.

He doesn’t feel the slightest bit ashamed or embarrassed to show it.

“You should be sleeping, Jim” he reprimands him but his voice carries no heat and he actually chuckles when Jim grumbles something unintelligible.

Eventually, Jim manages to form actual words and his tired voice wafts up to Leonard’s ears. “You know I can’t, Bones.”

“Hmm” Leonard rumbles softly. “I’m sorry for letting you wait so long.”

Jim tilts his head up so that he’s able to meet Leonard’s eyes. “How is he?”

There’s profound worry in his voice and in this very moment Jim looks so young, it makes Leonard’s heart ache for him. He shouldn’t know all the hurt and the grief, the suffering he’s been through. He shouldn’t be the one to take on responsibilities and burdens this big, this important. But that’s just Jim. He cares for his crew and Leonard’s seen the extent of what Jim will do to save them. As long as he is there to save Jim in turn, he might be able to live with this. But not for much longer. He and Jim deserve some time together, some peace and privacy their quarters on the _Enterprise_ can’t offer them. But even when it comes to the two of them, Jim will put his crew first and Leonard knew this when he let it happen, when he let Jim kiss him for the first time. When he allowed the development that had taken place a long time ago finally manifest itself in their relationship. In this moment, when he’d felt Jim’s lips on his, all the guilt came washing over him and he was seconds away from pulling away, from saying no to something they’d been dancing around for years, something he’d been yearning for. But he couldn’t find it in himself to hurt Jim and by extension, he’d only be hurting himself. There are so many reasons why they shouldn’t but Jim had brushed them all aside and shown Leonard all the reasons why they _should_ , why it was time.

Perhaps, in the vast expanse of the universe surrounding them, there’s a star that looks out for them and a tiny spark of luck that will let them live a life long enough that they can experience all that they’re missing out on right now. Leonard’s content with what they have and where they are, he’s come to accept – if not like – space and the _Enterprise_ and he silently marvels at the fact that he needed nothing but Jim to show him that it’s not as black as he’d always painted it. That the stars do carry a certain beauty as long as their light reflects in Jim’s incredibly blue eyes.

Their daily routines don’t leave much time for more personal matters and more nights than not they merely collapse into bed and fall asleep right then and there, but still tangled up in each other, seeking out warmth and comfort and an affection so deep Leonard can’t quite explain where it comes from. Still, he’s only just a man and he keeps dreaming of a different life, one that always includes Jim Kirk because he can’t imagine a universe without him. The thought alone terrifies him and makes him tighten his grip on Jim, _his_ Jim. Just to remind himself that Jim is here and no matter how often you’ll ask Leonard; he’s not going anywhere without Jim. Even if it’s tempting to have solid ground under his feet again, to feel the warm wind in his hair and to see the bright smile light up his little girl’s face. He misses all of that and his own absence in Joanna’s life is burning a hole into his heart that’s taken one emotional beating too much already. Jim knows this and he keeps promising Leonard that they will come back eventually but when it comes to it, Leonard will always put Jim first over his own needs and follow him wherever he leads. Even if it means another five years in space. He can deal with that. Jim’s saved him once when he was drowning with no land in sight and now it’s Leonard’s turn to do his best to make sure Jim always has familiar shores to come home to, a port of call whenever he needs one.

As long as they’re here, Leonard will take care of the brightest star in his own sky.

Remembering that Jim’s asked him a question, he responds, his voice reassuring and calm. “He’s fine, Jim. He made it. He just needs a good night’s sleep or two and he’ll be as good as new.” Leonard levels a concerned, reprimanding glare on Jim but he can’t quite keep the fondness out of his eyes. “Just like you” he warns.

“Well, now I can” Jim winks at him with that stupid grin of his that Leonard loves so much. “Sleep, I mean. Now that you’re here.”

“Yeah, but I first need a shower. With actual, very real water.” Leonard disentangles himself from Jim and Jim, reluctantly, lets him go.

“Hurry, Bones” he mumbles and Leonard shakes his head with a soft smile when he notices the blush rising in Jim’s cheeks.

This man will be the death of him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Leonard emerges from the shower, a few minutes later – he’d have liked to take a really long, satisfying shower but he’s not enough of an asshole to use up all the water ratio for this month and he doesn’t want to keep Jim waiting for much longer, it’s only serving to deprive them both of their much needed sleep – Jim is standing in the middle of the room, arms hanging down at the sides of his body, eyes open but when Leonard follows their gaze he finds nothing in particular they’re staring at. Leonard knows this sight, Jim’s lost in thought, has probably gotten up from the bed to go in search of something and then simply forgotten what it was as a sudden thought struck him and he stopped, right there in the middle of their quarters.

The tender smile returns to Leonard’s lips and he pads through the room, approaching Jim silently until he’s standing behind him and, so as to not startle him, slowly wraps his arms around him from behind, pulling him close and resting his chin on Jim’s shoulder, Jim’s soft hair tickling his temple. He presses a kiss to the bare patch of skin between the collar of the t-shirt and Jim’s neck and murmurs, voice deliberately pitched low, “Penny for your thoughts, darlin’?”

It has the desired effect when a shiver runs down Jim’s spine and he shudders as Leonard’s breath hits the shell of his ear. Leonard smirks, satisfied. He knows exactly what to do to turn Jim’s knees to jelly and he prides himself more than a little with this knowledge. He nuzzles the spot he’s just kissed with his nose and basks in the choked little sound Jim makes. It definitely makes all the strenuous hours of work today worth it. Just to hear that sound, to know he has Jim’s full attention, just to feel Jim leaning back against him, his self-control and confidence abandoned, in equal parts to sleep and to Leonard’s touch.

“Nothing, Bones” Jim murmurs, thoughts obviously straying. His hands reach out and upwards to lie on top Leonard’s own, resting on Jim’s chest, his left hand right over his heart.

“Doesn’t look like nothing” Leonard presses. He doesn’t want to pester him but if there’s something on Jim’s mind that’s causing him worry, he wants to know.

Reluctantly, Jim gives in and mumbles, words barely above a whisper, “Just a thought I’ve been rolling around in my head for a while.”

“A while?” Leonard enquires, not moving. He could fall asleep this way, it’s comfortable, both of them sharing their weight and bracing each other, preventing a fall. “Must be something pretty important, then, huh?” He lets exhaustion thicken his drawl but a part of that is shameless purpose.

Jim sighs to cover up the shudder reverberating through him but this close, Leonard feels every twitch of his muscles.

“Hmm” Jim hums, obviously not inclined to pursue the matter any further.

Leonard decides it’s too late – or too early – to start an argument so he lets the subject drop. But his heart clenches in worry when he sees the seriousness in Jim’s eyes, their ever-present glimmer slightly dulled by clouds of thoughts. Even though it always seems, to everyone else, that Jim is the most open and extroverted man to have ever lived, Leonard knows that he’s hiding something. There are times when Jim doesn’t want to talk and things he keeps close to his heart, for no one but Leonard to see and even that only when Leonard gently pries Jim’s fingers from his face and tells him he’s safe, he can talk and Leonard will listen and then do his best to chase the dark thoughts away. Perhaps that’s why they match so perfectly. They both feel things deeply and hide them even deeper but they’re always there for each other when they need to talk, get things off their chests.

Christine is right when she says they’re meant for each other, as horribly sappy as that sounds.

To show Jim what he already knows, that Leonard won’t push but that he’s _there_ , Leonard kisses his favourite spot just below Jim’s left ear and Jim sighs and says, out of nowhere, “You do care about him, don’t you?”

That makes Leonard stop and he lifts his head just a tiny bit so that he can look at Jim from the side but Jim doesn’t meet his eyes.

“Who?” Leonard asks, voice rough.

“Pavel.”

A huff escapes him before he can stop it. “Of course I do, Jim. What do you think of me?”

Jim chuckles lightly and Leonard realises that this conversation doesn’t bear the same serious tone as the expression slowly fading from Jim’s face suggested.

“Well, you’ve been making fun of him for as long as you know him.”

“I’ve been merely questioning his maturity, of which, might I add, in retrospect, he seems to possess more than a certain captain.”

That makes Jim laugh and the last bit of fog lifts from his features as he leans his head back and squints at Leonard, a grin on his lips that talks of mischief. “Have you been talking to Spock? ‘Cause you certainly sound like him.”

Leonard snorts at the comparison but the days when he’d vehemently protested that have long since passed. “No, I’ve just had a hell of a day.”

“I never noticed that makes you talk like a politician.”

Leonard groans, somewhat glad they’re back to their usual banter. He’s still a little worried but that particular conversation can wait until they both had a good night’s sleep. “I’m a doctor Jim, I know some pretty complicated words.”

“And still you’re not a dictionary, I get it.”

Leonard can’t help but join Jim’s chuckle even if he does roll his eyes. Yesterday, when they’d beamed the away team back on board and Leonard had hurried down the corridors to the transporter room, his hands sweating in trepidation with the fear that Jim was hurt, that it was Jim who’d been injured because nine out of ten times he is, Spock had started talking gibberish with such undeterred determination that Leonard had thrown his hands up in exasperation and shouted _I’m a doctor, not a dictionary, and I can’t cure Chekov with sophisticated words, goddammit, Spock, for the love of God, would you just shut up!_

It had helped. The expression on Spock’s face had been glorious. Spock doesn’t have to know that the look of utter bewilderment and adoration mixed with the strain of suppressed laughter that Jim had thrown Leonard in that moment had Leonard almost topple over the edge and start laughing uncontrollably, despite the urgency and seriousness of the situation.

Leonard smiles at the memory, even more so now that he knows Chekov is doing better and healing slowly but surely. “And Christine always says I sound like you” he grumbles and shakes his head as he feels Jim smile smugly against his cheek.

“I’m rubbing off on you” Jim says, utterly pleased with himself and Leonard scolds himself for spoiling this kid too much.

They’re quiet for just a second but that second is enough for Leonard to grow sombre and slowly take a step back, turning Jim to face him as he moves. “I’d say we’re balancing each other quite well” he says, cupping Jim’s cheek with one hand while the other rests on his hip.

Jim’s eyes flicker between his own, rapidly searching for any change of mood but Leonard doesn’t give him even a split-second to worry and he smiles softly, his eyes sincere as he speaks. “I don’t have much to offer, Jim. I’m a simple man with baggage to last more than one lifetime but you gave me direction again. Even if most of the time I have no idea where I’m going but as long as it’s with you I don’t care. Somehow this has led me here and if someone had told me just a few years ago, hell, just a few months ago, that I’d be here today, I wouldn’t have believed them. I haven’t even thought this through and it’s probably the worst timing in the history of bad-timed questions but I feel if I don’t do this right now I’ll never do it and that I would regret for the rest of my life. Because I’d rather spend the rest of my life with you than lament to myself about what a coward I’d been to never have asked you.” He pauses, lets the words sink in, giving Jim time to believe what he’s just heard. “There are things in this universe that I fear and even if nothing can make these fears go away completely, I feel safe when I’m with you, when I’m there to keep _you_ safe. And I know that there are things that you fear and I know I might not be enough to put your mind to rest at all times but I want to be the one to soothe those fears and to share the burden. I’m only just a man, Jim, but what I can, I will and want to give to you and I hope you’ll let me.”

Leonard looks Jim straight in the eyes and what he sees – confusion, hope, utter happiness still concealed and held back and it hurts a little that Jim still thinks he might be disappointed but Leonard knows after what Jim has been through in his life it’s become a part of him and he can’t blame him because who is he to judge – makes his heart beat faster until he has to take a deep breath to keep up his smooth façade and he inwardly shakes his head at himself at how easily he gives in to Jim, at what this man does to him.

“I love you, Jim. You’re everything to me and I want you to know that. Without a doubt. I know – and don’t deny it – that you sometimes can’t believe it but I’m telling you right here and now that you are the sun in my universe, you are my guiding star and I love you and all that you’ve made of me.”

Leonard licks his lips and swallows against his suddenly dry throat. “Jim” he starts but then abandons that sentence and begins anew. “I’m also an old-fashioned man and there are certain things that a man like me has to do right or not at all and—” he trails of, withdrawing his hand from Jim’s waist and hiding how it trembles as he pulls something out of the pocket of his pyjama pants, never breaking eye-contact.

He hears how Jim’s breath catches when he slowly slides his other hand from Jim’s cheek down to his hand that he takes in his own as he gets down on one knee.

“I told myself to get on with it as long as I feel bold enough so I’m doing it now.” Leonard pauses, drawing it out deliberately and he almost chokes on his next words when he sees the shine in Jim’s eyes that are the metaphorical stars mixed with very real tears and when he feels something wet on his own cheek he bites his lip and silently curses himself for being such a softie.

But that’s what Jim does to him. He brings out the best in him.

Leonard doesn’t even register the vice-like grip Jim has on his hand, so focused is he to say the next words right, to pour all the love and affection and the sincerity that he wants Jim to see into them.

“Dammit” he mutters under his breath as he clears his throat and Jim grins, a little wobbly but he bites his lip and keeps his eyes fixed on Leonard who allows himself another two seconds of theatrical pause that wholly serve the purpose of making sure his voice doesn’t waver when he speaks.

“James Tiberius Kirk” Leonard asks solemnly, opening his palm and revealing a silver ring, “Will you marry me?”

Jim’s face breaks into a wide smile and he gives up on controlling the tears and he nods vehemently, the only word that escapes his mouth the quiet, almost reverent whisper of, “Bones.”

Leonard mirrors his smile and he’s too thunderstruck to move until Jim mutters, “Get up off the damned floor, Bones” and they’re both laughing, tears be damned.

There are so many more words Leonard wants to say but he knows this isn’t the time and Jim knows, anyway. So he just holds him, tight against his chest, his face buried in Jim’s hair as he concentrates on his breathing to calm his frantic heartbeat.

The efforts are suspended, however, when Jim whispers a belated “Yes” into his ear, voice not shaking in the slightest.

Leonard suddenly realises that he’s being an idiot for holding back and he gingerly pushes Jim away, just so much that he can glance into those fascinating eyes that once again look so startlingly young and vulnerable but utterly happy that it makes Leonard’s heart flutter for all sorts of reasons and he leans in and kisses Jim sweetly, tenderly. Jim seems to have other plans, though, the way he throws himself into the kiss as if his life depended on it, restless, pleading, and still shockingly, endearingly shy the way he tries to nudge Leonard into giving him more with little licks of his tongue. After five years of being together. It’s a little overwhelming but Leonard takes the hint and deepens the kiss, pouring all the passion and longing into it that he’s been suppressing for too many hours.

People will never believe him if he tells them that Jim Kirk is actually less of the audacious captain and more of a shy, adorable, very annoying overgrown child. But he’s also a serious man, strong and unyielding, a skilled diplomat with a brave heart and Leonard is so incredibly proud of him. It’s almost disconcerting how much the past few years have changed Jim but Leonard knows that all these qualities have just been slumbering in him, waiting to be woken, and that at the heart of it he’s still the teasing kid that he’ll always be, reckless and so full of energy that sometimes Leonard thinks there are ten years between them and not four.

He smiles against Jim’s lips. This man will be responsible for his prematurely grey hair that Leonard expects to find each time he steps in front of a mirror and his heart giving out at some point but until then he’ll keep him young.

Only now does he notice that Jim’s moving closer and closer still, crowding him and steering him backwards, and the arms that were looped around his neck just a second ago are now roving up and down his body, hurried fingers fiddling with the hem of his favourite t-shirt and the kisses are growing more desperate and hasty.

Leonard feels something stir low in his belly but he pushes it away and catches Jim’s exploring hands with his own, bringing some space between them. He wants to but they’re both tired, barely able to stand on their feet and it’s not as if they can sleep in. This is still a starship that doesn’t know the concept of weekends and they’re both on alpha shift in a couple of hours even if Christine would rather see it if he were a few generous hours late for work. But as long as Leonard is CMO, this is not going to happen.

“Jim” he murmurs and Jim protests with a moan as he tries to wriggle himself out of Leonard’s grip.

“Jim” Leonard tries again, a little more forcefully this time and Jim reluctantly stills. “Hey. You need to sleep, Jim, we both do. We’ve got plenty of time tomorrow. I promise” he adds with a playful smirk that he only manages to pull off because Jim’s just as tired as he is and doesn’t see the flaws around the edges.

“Okay, Bones” he mumbles and Leonard knows it’s the fatigue working for him here.

He’s just about to suggest to actually go to bed when Jim suddenly starts laughing, first soundlessly but then his shoulders are shaking with it and he braces himself against Leonard so as to steady himself and just when Leonard thinks he’s lost it completely, Jim manages to wheeze out between irregular intakes of breath, “The ring” and at first Leonard doesn’t understand what he’s saying but then his eyes grow wide and he wants to smack himself for his own idiocy.

“Yeah, well” he grumbles. “Kinda forgot about that.”

Jim calms down a bit and smiles when he sees Leonard’s lopsided grin and he leans in to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Don’t worry, I still love you” he mumbles and Leonard snorts.

“How infinitely generous of you” he growls but reaches into his pocket again where he’s unconsciously put the ring to be safe from any kind of unintentional harm and takes Jim’s hand.

“May I?”

Jim grins. “You’re such a gentleman” he says, mockingly, and then adds in a lower, hushed voice, “You may, Bones.”

Leonard resists the urge to roll his eyes and gently slides the ring onto Jim’s finger, secretly observing the way Jim’s smile grows wider as it accompanies the ring on its short way.

“There” Leonard says, “now you’re mine.”

“I’ve always been yours, Bones” Jim corrects with so much sincerity in his tone that it knocks all the breath out of Leonard’s lungs.

 

They’re tucked up in bed a few minutes later, Jim’s head resting on Leonard’s chest and both of Leonard’s arms around his soon-to-be husband.

That definitely sounds better. It has the right ring to it. The gravity and the promise that are the essence of their love captured and cherished.

Leonard pointedly doesn’t look at the chronometer for there must be only about two measly hours left until alpha shift and he wants to enjoy this time as much as possible. Which means in bed, with Jim, holding him close and murmuring sweet nothings into his ear because when it comes down it, Jim’s right. Leonard _is_ a soft marshmallow on the inside and while nothing would get him to admit this out loud, he indulges in it willingly.

“You’re so nice to me, Bones” Jim croons. “And I think I’ve never seen you more indulgent to my need to cuddle you than today.”

“The evidence that I’m being far too nice to you, kid” Leonard grumbles and marginally tightens his grip on Jim, betraying his words.

“Bones?”

“Yes, Jim?”

Jim is silent for a couple of seconds and Leonard simply watches him, follows his eyes as they dart aimlessly through their quarters, nothing able to hold them for longer as Jim’s thoughts begin to stray again.

“When I was waiting for you when you were in the shower” he starts, quiet and utterly calm, “I was thinking about asking you.” He admits it without hesitation and Leonard needs a second to fully comprehend what he’s heard and then it’s as if his chest feels a little lighter when he realises this as the reason for Jim’s absent-mindedness, his worry.

“You, proposing?” he quips, unable to stop his tone from drifting into affectionate sarcasm.

“Would that be too appalling?” Jim blinks up at him, and the mischief in his eyes almost completely covers this last bit of self-doubt.

But Leonard sees it. And he will move heaven and earth to erase it. At least when it comes to their relationship.

“No, Jim, that… that’d be wonderful” he honestly relents, sarcasm forgotten as his mind takes him to places he’s been dreaming of for a long time. He bends down to kiss Jim’s forehead, letting his lips linger against Jim’s skin for a moment longer as Jim snuggles up a little closer and Leonard rests his head on top of Jim’s.

As if Jim hasn’t even heard the words he says, utterly sincere and his voice tender, “I love you, Bones.”

Leonard smiles and sighs. These four words will never lose their magic and will always be the stuff that Leonard’s dreams are made of. And his reality, if Jim’s _yes_ is any indication of a life shared in all the ways possible. “I love you, too, Jim.”

This day has taught him much, too much to comprehend for a single day but Leonard knows that deep down, he’s always known. That with Jim, the concept of marriage has lost its dreadful aura and that Leonard can learn to see it as something beautiful without dreading the duties it brings for with Jim by his side, life will never be boring. He will learn, just like Jim will learn to finally accept love and affection and to not be afraid of commitment, of taking what is offered to him and of reaching out and giving back his love, knowing it won’t be ripped from his hands. There was a time when Leonard thought he couldn’t take it, Jim’s recklessness and negligence when it comes to his own life, when he thought that perhaps they’d be better off separated but time has taught him that, frankly, this is utter bullshit. It was merely his mind creating doubt after doubt when his heart had known with certainty for a long time already. But who could have known they didn’t need to be afraid of what this step would do to their relationship? Time has shown them that they can take everything, as long as they take it together. The comforting knowledge that in each other they both have someone to look out for them lies over them like a warm blanket.

Leonard also knows he’s only made a fleeting moment give the deceiving promise it will last but one lifetime with Jim Kirk, however long or short it will be, is better than four lifetimes without him. And he wouldn’t want it any other way.

The affectionate smile won’t leave him as he leans down to press his lips to Jim’s temple again. Jim hums in contentment, blissfully halfway gone off to sleep already and Leonard closes his own eyes and pulls Jim that tiny bit closer, marvelling at how perfectly Jim fits in spaces he never knew were there.

What they have, it’s a good thing.

Leonard wouldn’t want to change it for the world.

 

 

(And if they both sleep through their alarms, who is there to judge them for it? And if anyone catches the glint of the delicate silver band on Jim’s finger the next day, no one says a word but it seems the bridge crew as well as the medical staff work more harmoniously that day.)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I'd love to know what you think!
> 
> Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://atravellingsoldierstaleofwinter.tumblr.com/)!


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